I love spam.

The canned kind is a guilty pleasure I rarely allow myself to have. Fried up with a couple of eggs on toast and topped with ketchup, it reminds me of my dad, who loved the stuff. What beats the artery-clogging goodness of fried eggs and pork product? Nothing, I tell you.

But it’s the other kind of spam, the stuff I find in my email inbox, that I’m talking about today.

I love that kind of spam too, but for a different reason. It makes me chuckle. Most of my email is received at a Yahoo! address. Yahoo! is pretty good about filtering, so most spam is sent to my bulk folder and easily deleted. In fact, I receive very little spam at my Yahoo! address, and am grateful. And just because I say I love it doesn’t mean I want more of it. Really. I get enough as it is, thank you very much.

The gobs of spam that land in my website inbox cracks me up. How, in the name of all that’s good and right in the world, would ANYONE think responding to these solicitations was a good idea? And what lists have I ended up on? Let me assure you, I never open the emails that are sent, but merely reading the subject lines is enough to see my life is woefully lacking.

If I were to answer the spam I get, I’d have the latest software and pharmaceutical products at incredibly low prices, a personal loan at the best possible rate available on the planet, the ability to purchase medication to enlarge my pen!s (yes, the ! to replace the “i” is common, to fool the filters, I assume) (I have yet to receive spam telling me how I, a female, can get my own pen!s, but I’m sure that’s just a matter of time) so my women will be happy with the hours upon hours (huh?!?!?!? ever hear of chaffing, people?) of sex we could have. And if I don’t have my own woman, there are apparently scores of girls waiting on certain sites for me to choose from.

Lucky, lucky me.

Like the canned spam, computer-generated spam can clog things up. Annoying? Yes. Heart-burn inducing? Sometimes. But if you’re careful, it’s not going to kill you.

Hey, is it lunchtime yet?